My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride