You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Perfection.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
For the orator and chef in all of us