I like crazy people until they notice me
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done