I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
You Might Also Like
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You got this…
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?