Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Thinking about Jeff
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!