Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this