Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do