Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.