[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.