I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
#TopTip
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword