Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
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I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Nomnomnomnom
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.