Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up