I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.