Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share