I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.