Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?