If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I hope this email finds you in a well
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.