grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
This classic never gets old . . .
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.