Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You Might Also Like
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Why is this me 😫
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.