“no gods no masters” = leo
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.