I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*seductively eats two tums*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair