People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile