I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore