Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I feel seen
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.