After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
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I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Easy enough.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean