I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.