Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.