My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.