Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
You Might Also Like
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*