Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.