[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.