Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.