Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
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Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.