going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!