Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
That’s enough internet for the day
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.