me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Just this preview of the story is enough
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.