My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
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#CoronaOutbreak
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry