My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Boom, boom, ching!
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
The future is now.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.