“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I never needed anything more in my life
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear