I want this so bad
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient