Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
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I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!