God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I’M CRYINGGG
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what