I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
You Might Also Like
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.