The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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me opening up to someone
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.