My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
You Might Also Like
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
wtf is a larm clock?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!