When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
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I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Can’t. Being lazy.
When you’re here for the treats.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Incredible customer service.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
So inspired right now.