The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
You Might Also Like
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
🖤✌🏽
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.