❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.