PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
You Might Also Like
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian