“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”